Issues of Charlie Hebdou you might have missed

I have been assured in multiple articles I have read this week that Charlie Hebdou pulled no punches, that it attacked all powerful groups. Clearly this means that only muslims don’t have a sense of humor, and that all other religions, cultures and countries currently fighting wars in muslim countries have also been attacked, just as viciously, by this magazine. I’ve also learned that freedom of speech is absolute. There are no limits. Even though Charlie Hebdou produced cartoons that most media won’t republish, they are all behind everything they did, 100%. Really. They would love to publish them if it wasn’t that their lawyers lacked a sense of humor. Okay, there are also a few muslims who are upset, but this is either because they are closet terrorists, don’t have a sense of humor, or missed our issues in which everyone else was skewered in the same manner.

So, just to answer the critics who say that Charlie Hebdou reserved their vicious attacks only for muslims, here’s a synopsis of other issues you must have missed, or you wouldn't think that:

The Christian Terrorist  Issue

You'll love this issue. Stunning graphics of white christians shooting abortion doctors, blowing up buildings in the heart of America, and of course prominently features Anders Breivik and his 77 victims. He’s not just called a neo-nazi, we put a crucifix around his neck, and show him praying in church, just to make sure that you get the connection. The accompanying graphics pull no punches, emphasizing the fact that, in the West, as opposed to unenlightened parts of the world (i.e. muslim), there is an absolute right to freedom of speech. If there are any threats against the magazine from Christians and Neo-Nazis, we will just double-down and produce another issue with even more outrageous anti-Christian fun.

The Catholic Pedophile Issue

Everyone knows that the Catholic church has a problem with pedophile priests. And the church still has a lot of power, making them a perfect target for fearless satirists. The graphic possibilities of priests with their frocks pulled up above their knobby knees screwing little boys and girls will have you rolling in the aisles, especially if you read it during Mass. No scruples about the portrayal of pedophilia here. Think of the extra giggles when some of the more observant and stuffy churchgoers walking down the aisle catch a glimpse. The look of horror will add to the deliciousness of this issue. The faces of the priests in the cartoons will be modeled on well known Catholics, whether or not they have been touched by the scandal, just to rub the freedom of the press in their self-satisfied faces. Why should a magazine care about the peculiar sensibilities of a religion anyway?

The Jewish Stereotype Issue

Reflecting back on the first half of the twentieth century when anti-semitism was widespread and acceptable in most of Europe this issue uses the iconography of the stereotypical Jew - yellow skin, hook nose, hunched back, gold coins filling their pockets. There was so much material, the hardest thing for our artists was deciding which stereotypes to copy. Again, the faces of famous Jews are featured. Their bodies, of course, will all be the same, it saves money on artists and has better comic effect. How better to forget French collaboration with the Nazis and the horrors of the holocaust than by rolling on the floor laughing? We’re so fearless that we don’t care if they sue us!

The American Empire Issue

This issue was a piece of cake because there was so much material. The graphic possibilities of a black helicopter shooting civilians and journalists. Little boys being sodomized in front of their mothers. The visual impact of a drone hitting a wedding party, with an entire page of frames just to show the body parts flying by in slow motion. Just to emphasize that it is not just muslims who slaughter people a dozen at a time the issue shows graphic details of the Haditha massacre (two dozen), Fallujah (we lost count), and a special page reserved for Robert Bales who went postal and killed sixteen on his ownsome. The American government is so much in favor of freedom of the press that this issue will be for sale on both sides of la Atlantique. We know it will be a big hit at the White House. Those guys really know what’s funny and what’s not.

The Black Nostalgia Issue

Many people long for the good old days when it was acceptable to show black people as lazy, dirty, banjo picking, watermelon eating, sex maniacs. This issue draws on centuries of beautiful stereotypes of black people and is sprinkled with the 'N' word. In fact, one page, is devoted to this forbidden word. For true freedom of speech there cannot be any forbidden words. No self-censorship. No fear of offending sensibilities. Freedom of speech is so awesome, and especially now that there is no more prejudice in the world against black people (just a few whiners who think that “Black Lives Matter”), even blacks will have to put their banjoes down and stop spitting watermelon seeds long enough to roll around on the dirt floors of their hovels at the hilarity of it all.